tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday.
i'm not having a party. i told everyone i didn't want to do anything.
not that i'm not excited, but because i feel like a hassle to my friends. they're all so busy and i feel like it would be difficult for them to plan to come to a party.
i think my mom is planning something. so is my boyfriend.
i know something is going to happen...sometime...i just don't know what. & i don't really like it.
i don't like surprises when i know they're going to happen. because all that's left is the anticipation of "when", "where", and "what". i don't like anticipation. it gives me anxiety.
& i don't feel like i deserve a surprise this year. i have had big birthday surprises for the past 2 years. i don't need another one. something about 3-year-in-a-row birthday surprises just doesn't seem right.

i'm stubborn. & picky. & i need to learn to just accept the fact that people care enough about me to do something for me.
but for some reason that's very hard for me...

i'm anxious.
we'll see what happens...